Yes, these were “demo” entries. The folks I aimed them at didn’t know what to expect, didn’t know what hit them, I had too much fun and ain’t gonna delete them for a little bit. It’s called making the world safe for scourges, humanity and other replicants:

ape02
Sam Sungmeyer— Former editor-in-chief for New York Times during Watergate Scandal. “I don’t care if it’s yesterday’s poop! I want that scoop and I want it NOW!”


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Frank Alpostaedler— Poet, political activist, prize-winning essayist. “I don’t care what anyone says. Lassie was the first transgender celebrity.”


dog04
Robert “Hound” Marley— Hard hitting journalist with a reputation for getting to the meat of the chili. “Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know what you’re thinkin’. Now get that cigarette out of my office!”


marxist
Rufus T. Firefly— Another founding member. He and Dr. Jones started this whole thing back when typewriter ink on your shorts would satisfy your wife that you weren’t cheating. “Oh, so that’s a sports bra, is it? Well, whatever it is, I’d like to be against it!”


ape03
Yuri Von Halen— One time editor for Steven King and Joyce Carol Oates. Nowadays a fine self-published novelist. “I don’t understand why Creationists disparage apes. We were the first astronauts. Before it was cool.”


dog05
Ginny Gainsbourg— Born in France, this former Olympian athlete still holds the record for tossing Brittany spears. Now, a writer of romance and YA stories. “Je me suis réveillé sentiment crazy. Je me suis réveillé sent bien.”


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Diana DiGaga— Photographer, poet, frequent contributor to Huffington Post, inherited one of Mister Rogers’ favorite sweaters. “It fits me fine! But no pictures, please. I have a face made for radio.”


willie
William T. Nelson— Estranged son of Ozzie and Harriet, aspiring songwriter, builds alarm clocks and smoke detectors. “It’d be nice to get a song recorded. People call me crazy, but I think Nashville’d like my stuff.”


mom
Lorraine W. Brewster— Emily’s mother and seven time Pushcart winner. A world-class lexicographer, she coined three new unprintable insults. “Neither Merriam nor Webster would be squat without me. *WORD* is my middle name and don’t you dare forget it.”


ozzy
Ozzy. Just Ozzy— His family pioneered the transition from metal typography to Webb Press and Compugraphic protocols. What more needs be said? “Well, bollocks on that, ya scurvy ratbag of a buggering bovine excreta consternator with a table for five!”